turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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