I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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