I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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