I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
