I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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