the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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