Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
