What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
