woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
