I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
