she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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