remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
