I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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