Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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