Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
