who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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