I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
