i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
