Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
