My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
