there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
