the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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