Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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