Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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