If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
