My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
