You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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