Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
