So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
