Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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