At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
