Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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