Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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