Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
