I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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