Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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