Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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