It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
