So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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