im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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