if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
