I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
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