Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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