I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
