she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
