Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
