Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
