Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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