You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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