I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
